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The reality of my everyday life hits me in moments like these. I should feel comfortable in the gay community. I should be able to see my own husband now as I did 18 years ago, when my panic and anxiety and addiction kept me from acknowledging the truth of my past. I hit the icon to reinstall Grindr on my phone. I pull up the App Store on my phone and type in the word that makes me cringe, and feel oddly exhilarated all at once. I should know exactly what I find erotic and not be pulled back into what happened with my father. Or as I called him when I was four, ‘Daddy’.”
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The man who did this to me was my father. I was sexually abused as a young boy, for many years.
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Wanna know why? No? I’ll tell you anyway. “You’ve just reminded me that I probably don’t belong on Grindr. I imagine what might happen if I answer him with brutal honesty. At times, I’ve been able to laugh off this kind of scenario. I stare at my phone, and my face heats up again. It doesn’t take long before I’m tripped up by a young guy who says he’s 22. I’m barely through my first round of blocking anyone familiar, when I see the red dot indicating I’ve got a new message. A neighbor, former customers of mine, cashiers, I block them all with the hope of avoiding any embarrassing exchanges. I hit “Save” and return to the home screen to start the process of scrolling through men’s profiles to block anyone I know. Picking Open Relationship feels like I’m revealing something too personal, so I choose Partnered, and prepare for the influx of inquiries about threesomes - something I don’t do. I know I’ll limit my options by selecting Married, but I don’t want to lie and mark Single either. At the 10-year mark, after much consideration and help from a couple’s therapist, we negotiated the terms of what is now our open relationship. My husband and I have been together for almost 20 years. I pause when I get to the relationship status field. I‘m too embarrassed to show my own chest, with its flaws and lack of definition, and showing my face is simply out of the question. For my profile picture, I choose a photo of a thin, semi-hairy shirtless man from a Google search, and crop it accordingly. I ignore, at least for now, the fields of “I’m Looking For” and “My Tribes” which includes a list of descriptive terms such as Bear, Daddy, Leather, Otter, Poz, Rugged, Trans, and Twink. I sweat it out for a solid two minutes, then go with Slim. Or I can choose to leave it blank, but when it comes to dealing with anonymous gay men this is not an option. The choices in the menu include Toned (I do like the way that sounds), Average (this one just depresses me), Slim (a possibility), and Muscular (despite repeated efforts, I am not).
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But first I have to fill in the field that describes my body type. With my new Grindr profile almost complete, I look forward to what I hope will be the fun part - chatting with men. I tell myself, This time will be different. This is the sixth or seventh time I’ve done this, in the span of a few years. I feel my face flush as I consider what I’m about to do. Larry told an abbreviated version of this story in the spring of 2017. By sharing their personal stories, storytellers become agents of change. This essay is published in collaboration with TMI Project, a non-profit organization offering transformative memoir workshops and performances that invite storytellers and audience members to explore new perspectives. Larry Ruhl | TMI Project | April 2018 | 8 minutes (2,005 words)